December Perceptions

The first of December heaved us into winter with a blustery snowfall and lured us into the holidays with the spirit of Christmas.  Outside the safety of my living room window, the roads grew ice covered and slick, and I was glad our kids were a bit further south where the weather was not quite as brisk.  By Sunday morning, the weather had calmed to a gentle snowfall and my husband and I decided to take a road trip to have lunch with our kids before they buckled down to start studying for upcoming college finals.  I am not typically a fan of winter weather roads, but as long as my husband was behind the wheel, I was up for the drive.  My heart was full and I enjoyed the sentiment that encompassed our conversation as we proceeded down the road for the next hour or so.  Just outside our vehicle windows, the tranquility of the fresh snowfall stretched out before us.  The morning sunlight sparkled and danced among the frosted trees while blankets of snow, laced with sunshine, protected the hills as they rolled softly into the horizon.  In the distance, a snow angel's presence graced the landscape with a peaceful glow as if touched by the heavens.

Just a week ago, I had surgery on my eyes to correct cataracts that had been trying to cloud my vision since birth.  After being destined to wear glasses the majority of my life; suddenly, I was able to see into the distance with 20/20 vision, and my new eyes blessed me with a perspective of the world that I hadn't seen in years.  That morning I was a bit surprised to detect that individual tree branches bore tiny twigs that sprouted hope from each limb.  Chubby squirrels could be found scurrying into trees with cheeks full of nuts, and I was drawn to a vibrant, red cardinal patiently watching over the world from its' perch high above.  Curiously, in the distance, snowmen with carrot noses waited patiently for young children, and houses held stories inside the dimly lit windows of their homes.  And so, my thoughts were drawn out into the world ...

Typically, my perspective is filled with my own present moments and my heart tends to overflow with gratitude (at least most of the time).  However, once in a while, especially around the holidays, I sometimes find my perspective to be a little bit off kilter.  I find myself longing for the fictional perfection found in Hallmark movies and fairy tales, while social media dangles glimpses of glamorous lives as others want us to see them.  It can be easy to forget that there is a reality behind every perfect picture and a continued (and less blissful) story follows each Hallmark-ending kiss once the credits have rolled.  It is important to remember that there are shadows within the light in every window and a struggle at the helm of each success.

My recent 20/20 vision of the far away world has also brought about a less-than-perfect view of the world right under my nose.  (Yes, I now need to wear reading glasses as I write this blog.)  This has reminded me that it is important to remember that there is life  beyond our fingertips, in fact more than the eye can even see.  We are each but a tiny twig sprouting from a multitude of greater branches, and there is beauty to be found when you behold the rest of the picture.  Sometimes, we need to take a moment to witness the beauty of the bigger picture to bring joy to the world that is close to our hearts.

So in the spirit of the holiday season, please join me today in seeing the beauty in the world around us, reaching out to those less fortunate than ourselves.  May your cups be half full and your grass be ever green, and may your world glisten with a sparkle of hope for the coming year...

Happy Holidays - Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

We Are Going to be Okay...

We moved our daughter (our second and youngest child) to college a month or so ago.  It truly felt like life was ending.  The first couple weeks were the hardest!  I knew that I would miss her, but I wasn't prepared for the anxiety and all the strong emotions that consumed me day in and day out.  I was desperate to know that my baby girl was "okay" while she in turn was exercising her newfound independence and didn't feel the need to be in contact with her mother.  It felt as though she may never need her mother again and life as I had known it for many years was over.  Suddenly ... 

• Daily routines were completely out of wack and I had extra hours that I wasn't sure what to do with;
• Dinner plates were even fewer than when our son left for college three years ago (Who am I kidding?  Meals in general have been fewer since she left.)
• The house was empty in the mornings and I no longer had to try to keep quiet as I made my coffee, etc., and I could even belt out my favorite songs in the shower if I wanted to.  (Though typically, I've now spent my mornings in silence, and in fact, I sometimes now show up for work with my voice slightly horse since there is no one to say "good morning" to as my husband leaves for work long before dawn.)
• Her bedroom is hauntingly clean, her bed continually made and there are no clothes on her floor - a constant reminder of her absence as I pass by (I finally had to just shut her door!)
• And I have been parking my car in the garage now after EIGHT years of parking on the street.  Since the kids began driving, we had them park in the garage to assure that their windshields were always clear on winter mornings.  (A number of times already I have hunted for my keys or walked out the front door in search of my car.)  Yep, habits are hard to break!  

In the weeks to follow, since they left for school, the kids have each been home a couple times already.  I've washed a few loads of their laundry, listened to a few stories, and given a few words of solicited advice.  I've received texts, SnapChats and phone calls in between visits, and I've even been honored with a few minutes or so of Facetime.  Though there have been a few struggles, they are doing "okay".

Meanwhile, I have managed to fill the extra minutes ...

• I've enrolled in a class toward finishing my degree
• I've had extra bonding time with my husband
  
• I've spent time with old friends - drinking coffee, going for walks, and more ...
  
• I've crossed off new bucket list activities .... I made salsa for the first time (it's the little things)
• And for what it is worth, I've managed to write another blog (it has been OVER a year since my last blog post, but with the stress of the above, I have been struggling to find inspiration.)

Anyway, I've got to go charge my phone just in case the kids text or call. 

And

although we may still be adjusting, 

I think we just might be "okay"...

Breathing Life Into Our Years

Wouldn’t we all like to live a quality life of great length filled with joy and memories to share, lived with purpose until close to the end?  I've witnessed both sets of my grandparents live well into their 90's (and one set is still counting.)  I am proud to provide a branch on their trees of loved ones.  I have enjoyed hearing stories from their years gone by and learning about the marks that they left on history.  A lifetime of memories is one of life's greatest treasures and advice from their experiences is a blessing to have shared.

I've also witnessed lives that were cut far too short. My brother, Adam, and my cousin, Rik both died before even reaching 40 and my father died at the age of 48.  I wish, almost daily, that they were still here today, but they each left their marks in their own ways.  I give thanks to have shared in their years.  I remember clearly what my dad said the day he found out he had cancer, he claimed "I lived a full life - I just did it too fast!"  We've also heard it stated "It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years."  The saying, in its truth, provides comfort in times of grief and gives incentive to many to reach for their goals.   

Goals.  Everyone needs goals - something to strive for, to be better at, to bring purpose to our lives.  As children we have big dreams of being astronauts and firemen, teachers or mommies when we grow up.  As young adults, the opportunities are endless.  But where do we start?  Suddenly, “when I grow up” becomes next year or real soon and kids are thrust into their futures trying to find their way into adulthood.  It can be overwhelming and even scary at first.  But it is important to remember that “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and likewise our lives are made up of a continuous journey of goals both big and small.      

I am currently in the midst of midlife myself as I am half way through my forties.  With our children quickly entering their own adulthoods, life as my husband and I have known it for years is about to fade out and the rest of our lives is not quite yet in focus.  At midlife, we may start to question our own existence.  What have we done with our lives?  What is our legacy?  Are we doing enough?  What now? 

As our years grow in length, wrinkles begin to mark the passage of time, creating a work of art sketched by years of laughter and worry.  In the end, we all have a story to share - a lifetime of joy, some moments of pain, memories to cherish and a few we may rather forget.  Each story is uniquely our own.  Some have grown trees filled with family to span generations to come, some have built resumes of achievements and credentials, and some have filled bucket lists with goals they've accomplished through time.  Some have grown crops to feed a family, taught the minds of those eager to learn, or saved lives as a doctor or nurse.  Any life lived with passion, wherever it may lead, is one to look back on with pride. 

A full life is often built around love.  There is no greater joy than the love found in life and it is there in a variety of ways.  There are those whom we love for a very short time, those we have to let go, and those we may never forget.  There’s the enjoyment of friendships (yes, those are love too) and there’s always ourselves and our God.  There are those who support us through thick and through thin, those who will surround us in the end, and even those who wait for us on the other side.  In the end, we all hope for a life of great length but we pray for a life just well spent.  It's impossible to say when we'll breathe our last breath, but we can each live today to breathe life into our years.  

I Watched The Sun Rise This Morning

I watched the sun rise this morning.  As I quietly drank my coffee on my front porch, the sun crept up from behind the trees.  It started slowly … timidly leaving behind the darkness of the night until it exploded into the horizon bringing with it a multitude of color and warmth in its wake.  I paid it little attention until it was high enough to convince me to change into my sunglasses.

Change.  Why is change so hard?  We see it daily with the rising and setting of the sun, the start and end of each day, a morning alarm alerting us to wake up and our tired bodies convincing us to fall asleep.  We change our clothes, we change our minds, we change the bed sheets from time to time.  We should be used to it, right?  But it is still hard.

Some change is inevitable and comes with the passage of time.  Spring eases into summer, trees embrace the changes of fall, and a winter snow protects the earth in anticipation of another fresh spring.  Some change is so gradual that we hardly even notice – when did the kids get so tall?  When did my hair turn so gray? 

Some change takes effort – a conscious decision to move forward.  It can be scary and unsettling to step out on that limb and face the unknown.  It is always easy to see what we are leaving behind – the sense of security in the familiar.  We may miss the bustling house when our children leave home, the love we once knew in a marriage gone bad, or the daily routine of a job that we held for years.  We may even crave the comfort of food when we choose a healthier lifestyle or long for a habit that we’ve tried to give up.  We may miss these things, but that doesn't mean we need them back.  

With change, our sense of purpose may feel questioned, current relationships may be threatened and our whole well being may be tingling with fear.  The “what if?”s and “what now?”s may run amok in our heads.  We must remember to look for the positives – the reasons behind the change, the things waiting for us on the other side - the light at the end of the tunnel.  Change holds the prospect of something better - new goals with new successes, new hobbies and things yet to learn, even new or renewed relationships – a new you – a fresh start!  

 

Of course, there are also things that cannot be changed.  We can’t change the past, it is over and done.  We can only build on the memories, successes and even failures as we head into the future.  We can’t change other people, what they may think, say or do.  We may try to help them for a while, but eventually we may have to choose to let them go.  Some may try to drag us down with their own negative issues - fearful we may leave them behind - when in their hearts, they know they should also make a change.  Some people even thrive on finding drama, spreading gossip and feeding their own fragile egos.  Don’t let them sway you, toss them pity if you must, then turn your focus back to your goals.  It has been said that “great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.”  It is important to surround ourselves with people we can inspire and who can lift us up in return. 

Positive change is aimed at achieving greatness – making good things even better, improving our lives and the world around us, whatever that may take.  With change, each and every one of us has the potential to do great things.  So, join me today in embracing change.  Step out on that path, rise with the sun and soar with the butterflies.  Let’s aim for greatness today!

Life is Stressful ... But We Don't Have To Give It Control

Life is stressful, inevitably so ... but we don’t have to give it control.  Some stress can be good for us – offering us a little extra energy, making life a little more exciting, providing an adrenaline rush to get things done and pushing us to get through difficult times.  But excessive or chronic stress can be very unhealthy and can take a toll on our physical, mental and emotional health.

I am not an expert (professionally anyway), but in my 40+ years, I have experienced plenty of stress both personally and second hand, and have learned a few things about what works for me.  For what it is worth, allow me to share my thoughts and advice ...

Stress comes from a variety of factors – both internal and external.  Internal factors, such as our own high expectations of ourselves and worry/anxiety about the future (the unknown) or what people may think can be very stressful.  Usually, our internal fears are much worse than reality, and with so many external stressors in our lives these days, it is important to remain in control of our minds and ultimately our own health.  It is imperative to allow ourselves some quiet time (preferably every day) to manage our thoughts in meditation or prayer; and it is crucial to exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet.  If we make a routine of these healthy habits then stress’s lure toward unhealthy choices will be a little easier to resist.  Now grab a relaxing beverage, take a deep breath and read on …

Following are a few external factors (among many) that tend to cause a great deal of stress.

Stress at Work.  Whether you work in an office, in a factory, on a farm or at home - work can be stressful.  Whether you work full time or part time, regardless of your profession or status – work can be stressful.  If you are in search of a job or stuck in an old one – work can be stressful.  Starting a new career or retiring can be stressful as well.  Even a job we love can be enervating when we have multiple demands on our time, more things to get done than time will allow, and a multitude of people to please.  Each item we cross off our to-do list leaves another one to add, each task or priority achieved leaves someone waiting for something more, and every extra hour we put in at work is an hour that takes us away from another priority.  In the whirlwind of each day, week and so on, it is important to remember that we are human and can only accomplish so much.  That is okay.  

I have learned the importance of planning.  Early in the morning or the night before is a great time to make a plan of attack, prioritize and attempt to have a strategy to make each day productive.  A half hour or so in a quiet room with a cup of coffee, my thoughts and pen and paper are what work best for me.  However, despite our best laid plans, our days typically don’t go quite as we may envision, but at least we have a focus to start with.

With many items on our to-do list each day, multi-tasking seems to be a common approach people use in today’s busy world; and some multi-tasking is necessary.  With many balls to juggle each day, it is important to try to keep them all in the air, and with many tasks requiring varying degrees of doing and waiting, it is necessary to keep track of various items on our list each day.  However, multi-tasking is not always the best approach.  Although we may have a multitude of balls in the air at one time, it is important to give each one the attention it deserves or sooner or later they may all come crashing down.  It is important to try to focus on one item at a time.  A morning plan can help us prioritize where to focus our energy while not losing track of the rest of the items on the list.  Although it is tempting to frequently switch gears among the other ten things on our list, it is more effective to finish each task (if possible) before moving on to the next.  Switching gears and coming back to half-finished projects requires more time to adjust and refocus than it would have taken to originally focus on one thing at a time.  Every task may seem urgent and critical to someone; but in the end, our own health and wellbeing are just as critical as any important task may be.  We must remember that it is okay to leave some things in our “inbox”.   Our own health and wellbeing are more important than finishing every task.

Although it may seem counter-productive, taking a short walk on a break, eating lunch away from our desk or stopping to have a short chat with a coworker (about something other than work) can be just what we need to come down from a “stress high”, get refocused and stay productive for the rest of the day.  It is also important to take a few minutes, if possible, to delegate some tasks to others.  Taking enough time to focus and clearly explain expectations to allow others to handle a project can be beneficial in the long run.    Another strategy that may be easier said than done is to keep extra/unnecessary tasks from landing in our inbox in the first place – it is truly okay to “just say no.”  Although it is common to predict what others may think of us or how a project may fall short if we don’t take on a task, in the end, if we don’t have time to focus on the proposed project properly, it may be more beneficial to allow someone else to handle it.  We can still offer some advice, but then we must allow ourselves to move on and let it go.  In essence, we must be our own parent – setting boundaries, disciplining ourselves and telling ourselves (and others) “no.” 

Stress of Parenting.  Parenting may be the most important job we will ever have – and it can be stressful.  When children are young, they demand constant attention, when they are teenagers, they elicit frequent concern, and when they are grown up, they still need our advice.  Take time to enjoy the moments – every last one of them!  Don’t let other stressors steal your focus and take control of your time with your family.   The next thing we know, our children are on the verge of growing up – and that thought alone can be unsettling!  Although parenting requires that we give our best and our all, it is important to remember that our best is good enough – it doesn’t have to be perfect – and some days it may actually be our worst.  Again, taking a few quiet moments before the “chaos” of the day begins (or when it comes to a close), can be very beneficial.  Taking care of ourselves essentially makes us better parents and sets a good example for our kids as well.  You want your kids to be healthy right?  I bet your mother would want the same for you … 

Relationships.  Positive relationships can offer us support in stressful times, act as a buffer to the effects of our anxieties, and can help us to be better versions of ourselves.  These relationships can be formed with a spouse or significant other, family, friends, coworkers and others.

A spouse/significant other and close friends are those we choose to have in our lives.  These should be people that help us to be our best selves (and we should do the same for them.)  These relationships should be supportive, giving us a sense of stability when dealing with stressors in the rest of the world.  This type of relationship requires effort (from both partners) and when involved in a healthy, positive relationship, it can be amazing.  However, sometimes these relationships may be unhealthy.  Negative relationships can drain us of our energy and can be toxic to our wellbeing.  It is important to recognize these negative relationships and avoid letting them pollute our minds and cause us stress.   Stand up for yourself.  In the end, a decision needs to be made whether to stay in or leave a toxic relationship.  The choice is yours.

Unfortunately, we do not have the choice to completely walk away from every negative relationship in our lives.  Some less personal relationships such as a friendly acquaintance or coworker, perhaps an extended family member, or even an ex-significant other (particularly if there are children involved), may need to continue to have a role in our lives despite their negative impact.  In these cases, it is important to learn effective tactics to deal with these toxic personalities to help prevent or buffer any further conflict.  But most of all, don’t forget to make sure that you are not someone else’s negative in a relationship!

And then there is family.  We may not have chosen our family members, exactly, but each one is in our lives for a reason and there is no greater love than the love of family.  Keep them close.  Be there for each other.  Allow them to be there for you.  There will always be a bond, filled with memories and understanding, and there will always be a support that can cross all boundaries, including time, miles, arguments and even eternity.

In the end, even if your other relationships are negative or few, it is okay.  You will be okay.  It is important to remember to have a positive relationship with yourself.  When it is all said and done, you can either be your own best friend or your own worst critic.  Find something in your life to be grateful for … no matter how small.  Expressing your gratitude and having faith in yourself along with a higher power can pull you out of the deepest stressors, bringing peace, grace and strength when needed the most.

Change.  Change is stressful.  Good or bad, it is still taxing, and it is also inevitable.  Change can involve all other areas of our lives – many of which are already demanding in the first place.  Changes often happen in our work lives and that can be scary.  Becoming a new parent or sending children off to college can both be difficult.  Starting a new relationship or marriage can be exciting and dealing with a toxic relationship can leave us unnerved.  No matter if a life event is positive or negative, it is still stressful.  Ultimately, change always comes with an unknown – and it can be scary!

What Can You Do?  Take Care of You.  To summarize a few points I eluded to earlier, it is very important to take care of yourself, particularly in the midst of stress.  Allow yourself time for a break.  Go to lunch.  Call a friend.  Learn to say “no” and recognize that it is okay for your “inbox” to be full.

Exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet.  Although a glass of wine may take you down from a stress high at the end of a nerve-racking day or week and a bag of salty chips may feed your emotions when feeling overwhelmed, do not make a habit of these things.  Trust me – these unhealthy habits will end up causing you more stress down the road.

Stay in the present – plan for tomorrow, but focus on today.  Find joy in the moments and be grateful for each one.  Try relaxing tactics such as deep breathing, yoga, meditation and prayer.  Read an inspirational book.  Get a massage.

Take a moment to stop and think … internally accept what you are going through.  Take some time to write … brainstorm your thoughts and journal your emotions (you may not even know what is causing your stress.)  Create a list of goals with action plans, jot down a to-do list, try a list of pros and cons.   Now let it go for a while.  Focus on tasks at hand.  But in a few days, a week or even a month or so – refocus – take a look at what you had written down.  Ideally, take a look at these things when you are no longer in the stress of the moment.  Have your thoughts changed?  Do you still have the same perspectives?  Are your realities still true?  If so, it might be time to do something more advantageous.

Take action.  Do something today that is productive, proactive and positive to handle the thing that is causing you stress.  Start an exercise program, try a new strategy, leave a job, go back to school, ask for help, leave a toxic relationship, make a move.  Sometimes, simply making a decision to act can make a world of a difference.  Although change is often stressful, sometimes it is necessary, and often it is more the fear of the change that is actually causing you stress.  Change always comes with an unknown – and it can be scary!  You may be asking yourself, “What will happen next?  What will people think? What if I regret a decision? What if I make a mistake? What if I fail?” 

Well … What if you don’t?