Life is Stressful ... But We Don't Have To Give It Control

Life is stressful, inevitably so ... but we don’t have to give it control.  Some stress can be good for us – offering us a little extra energy, making life a little more exciting, providing an adrenaline rush to get things done and pushing us to get through difficult times.  But excessive or chronic stress can be very unhealthy and can take a toll on our physical, mental and emotional health.

I am not an expert (professionally anyway), but in my 40+ years, I have experienced plenty of stress both personally and second hand, and have learned a few things about what works for me.  For what it is worth, allow me to share my thoughts and advice ...

Stress comes from a variety of factors – both internal and external.  Internal factors, such as our own high expectations of ourselves and worry/anxiety about the future (the unknown) or what people may think can be very stressful.  Usually, our internal fears are much worse than reality, and with so many external stressors in our lives these days, it is important to remain in control of our minds and ultimately our own health.  It is imperative to allow ourselves some quiet time (preferably every day) to manage our thoughts in meditation or prayer; and it is crucial to exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet.  If we make a routine of these healthy habits then stress’s lure toward unhealthy choices will be a little easier to resist.  Now grab a relaxing beverage, take a deep breath and read on …

Following are a few external factors (among many) that tend to cause a great deal of stress.

Stress at Work.  Whether you work in an office, in a factory, on a farm or at home - work can be stressful.  Whether you work full time or part time, regardless of your profession or status – work can be stressful.  If you are in search of a job or stuck in an old one – work can be stressful.  Starting a new career or retiring can be stressful as well.  Even a job we love can be enervating when we have multiple demands on our time, more things to get done than time will allow, and a multitude of people to please.  Each item we cross off our to-do list leaves another one to add, each task or priority achieved leaves someone waiting for something more, and every extra hour we put in at work is an hour that takes us away from another priority.  In the whirlwind of each day, week and so on, it is important to remember that we are human and can only accomplish so much.  That is okay.  

I have learned the importance of planning.  Early in the morning or the night before is a great time to make a plan of attack, prioritize and attempt to have a strategy to make each day productive.  A half hour or so in a quiet room with a cup of coffee, my thoughts and pen and paper are what work best for me.  However, despite our best laid plans, our days typically don’t go quite as we may envision, but at least we have a focus to start with.

With many items on our to-do list each day, multi-tasking seems to be a common approach people use in today’s busy world; and some multi-tasking is necessary.  With many balls to juggle each day, it is important to try to keep them all in the air, and with many tasks requiring varying degrees of doing and waiting, it is necessary to keep track of various items on our list each day.  However, multi-tasking is not always the best approach.  Although we may have a multitude of balls in the air at one time, it is important to give each one the attention it deserves or sooner or later they may all come crashing down.  It is important to try to focus on one item at a time.  A morning plan can help us prioritize where to focus our energy while not losing track of the rest of the items on the list.  Although it is tempting to frequently switch gears among the other ten things on our list, it is more effective to finish each task (if possible) before moving on to the next.  Switching gears and coming back to half-finished projects requires more time to adjust and refocus than it would have taken to originally focus on one thing at a time.  Every task may seem urgent and critical to someone; but in the end, our own health and wellbeing are just as critical as any important task may be.  We must remember that it is okay to leave some things in our “inbox”.   Our own health and wellbeing are more important than finishing every task.

Although it may seem counter-productive, taking a short walk on a break, eating lunch away from our desk or stopping to have a short chat with a coworker (about something other than work) can be just what we need to come down from a “stress high”, get refocused and stay productive for the rest of the day.  It is also important to take a few minutes, if possible, to delegate some tasks to others.  Taking enough time to focus and clearly explain expectations to allow others to handle a project can be beneficial in the long run.    Another strategy that may be easier said than done is to keep extra/unnecessary tasks from landing in our inbox in the first place – it is truly okay to “just say no.”  Although it is common to predict what others may think of us or how a project may fall short if we don’t take on a task, in the end, if we don’t have time to focus on the proposed project properly, it may be more beneficial to allow someone else to handle it.  We can still offer some advice, but then we must allow ourselves to move on and let it go.  In essence, we must be our own parent – setting boundaries, disciplining ourselves and telling ourselves (and others) “no.” 

Stress of Parenting.  Parenting may be the most important job we will ever have – and it can be stressful.  When children are young, they demand constant attention, when they are teenagers, they elicit frequent concern, and when they are grown up, they still need our advice.  Take time to enjoy the moments – every last one of them!  Don’t let other stressors steal your focus and take control of your time with your family.   The next thing we know, our children are on the verge of growing up – and that thought alone can be unsettling!  Although parenting requires that we give our best and our all, it is important to remember that our best is good enough – it doesn’t have to be perfect – and some days it may actually be our worst.  Again, taking a few quiet moments before the “chaos” of the day begins (or when it comes to a close), can be very beneficial.  Taking care of ourselves essentially makes us better parents and sets a good example for our kids as well.  You want your kids to be healthy right?  I bet your mother would want the same for you … 

Relationships.  Positive relationships can offer us support in stressful times, act as a buffer to the effects of our anxieties, and can help us to be better versions of ourselves.  These relationships can be formed with a spouse or significant other, family, friends, coworkers and others.

A spouse/significant other and close friends are those we choose to have in our lives.  These should be people that help us to be our best selves (and we should do the same for them.)  These relationships should be supportive, giving us a sense of stability when dealing with stressors in the rest of the world.  This type of relationship requires effort (from both partners) and when involved in a healthy, positive relationship, it can be amazing.  However, sometimes these relationships may be unhealthy.  Negative relationships can drain us of our energy and can be toxic to our wellbeing.  It is important to recognize these negative relationships and avoid letting them pollute our minds and cause us stress.   Stand up for yourself.  In the end, a decision needs to be made whether to stay in or leave a toxic relationship.  The choice is yours.

Unfortunately, we do not have the choice to completely walk away from every negative relationship in our lives.  Some less personal relationships such as a friendly acquaintance or coworker, perhaps an extended family member, or even an ex-significant other (particularly if there are children involved), may need to continue to have a role in our lives despite their negative impact.  In these cases, it is important to learn effective tactics to deal with these toxic personalities to help prevent or buffer any further conflict.  But most of all, don’t forget to make sure that you are not someone else’s negative in a relationship!

And then there is family.  We may not have chosen our family members, exactly, but each one is in our lives for a reason and there is no greater love than the love of family.  Keep them close.  Be there for each other.  Allow them to be there for you.  There will always be a bond, filled with memories and understanding, and there will always be a support that can cross all boundaries, including time, miles, arguments and even eternity.

In the end, even if your other relationships are negative or few, it is okay.  You will be okay.  It is important to remember to have a positive relationship with yourself.  When it is all said and done, you can either be your own best friend or your own worst critic.  Find something in your life to be grateful for … no matter how small.  Expressing your gratitude and having faith in yourself along with a higher power can pull you out of the deepest stressors, bringing peace, grace and strength when needed the most.

Change.  Change is stressful.  Good or bad, it is still taxing, and it is also inevitable.  Change can involve all other areas of our lives – many of which are already demanding in the first place.  Changes often happen in our work lives and that can be scary.  Becoming a new parent or sending children off to college can both be difficult.  Starting a new relationship or marriage can be exciting and dealing with a toxic relationship can leave us unnerved.  No matter if a life event is positive or negative, it is still stressful.  Ultimately, change always comes with an unknown – and it can be scary!

What Can You Do?  Take Care of You.  To summarize a few points I eluded to earlier, it is very important to take care of yourself, particularly in the midst of stress.  Allow yourself time for a break.  Go to lunch.  Call a friend.  Learn to say “no” and recognize that it is okay for your “inbox” to be full.

Exercise regularly and eat a healthy diet.  Although a glass of wine may take you down from a stress high at the end of a nerve-racking day or week and a bag of salty chips may feed your emotions when feeling overwhelmed, do not make a habit of these things.  Trust me – these unhealthy habits will end up causing you more stress down the road.

Stay in the present – plan for tomorrow, but focus on today.  Find joy in the moments and be grateful for each one.  Try relaxing tactics such as deep breathing, yoga, meditation and prayer.  Read an inspirational book.  Get a massage.

Take a moment to stop and think … internally accept what you are going through.  Take some time to write … brainstorm your thoughts and journal your emotions (you may not even know what is causing your stress.)  Create a list of goals with action plans, jot down a to-do list, try a list of pros and cons.   Now let it go for a while.  Focus on tasks at hand.  But in a few days, a week or even a month or so – refocus – take a look at what you had written down.  Ideally, take a look at these things when you are no longer in the stress of the moment.  Have your thoughts changed?  Do you still have the same perspectives?  Are your realities still true?  If so, it might be time to do something more advantageous.

Take action.  Do something today that is productive, proactive and positive to handle the thing that is causing you stress.  Start an exercise program, try a new strategy, leave a job, go back to school, ask for help, leave a toxic relationship, make a move.  Sometimes, simply making a decision to act can make a world of a difference.  Although change is often stressful, sometimes it is necessary, and often it is more the fear of the change that is actually causing you stress.  Change always comes with an unknown – and it can be scary!  You may be asking yourself, “What will happen next?  What will people think? What if I regret a decision? What if I make a mistake? What if I fail?” 

Well … What if you don’t?    

 

Forever Isn't Long Enough

Twenty five years ago, my “boyfriend” gave me a promise ring.  A custom of our day, the simple gold band with a dainty diamond was a symbol of our commitment to one day marry and spend our lives together.  I have worn that ring ever since.  A few years later, he and I exchanged wedding rings, and as husband and wife, we vowed to love, honor and cherish each other ‘til death do us part.  As our marriage was blessed that day, we pledged to wear those rings forever. 

In the blink of an eye, the years flew by blessing us with two wonderful children and a multitude of memories along the way.  It sometimes seems like we’ve already been together forever.

Through it all, we have always worn our rings, rarely ever taking them off.  To my dismay, a few months ago, the diamond from my wedding ring fell out and was lost … forever.

I was heartbroken!  Some suggested I get a new ring … but I didn’t want a new ring!  I had planned on wearing those rings forever.

Then it hit me … maybe a marriage isn’t meant to last forever.  Forever is just a single, never ending line toward some far off ideal, a destination in time we can never actually reach.  What is so great about forever? 

Instead, I see marriage as designed for infinity.  By definition, infinity is a sum that is larger than any number or single thing already created.  It is a limitless symbol connecting two opposites and representing balance, wholeness and completion … and so it is with marriage. 

The path of a marriage is an intertwining of two lives, continuously circling in unity as we travel through life, supporting each other, maybe carrying at times, holding tight to each other’s hearts along the way.  As husband and wife, we are meant to connect our paths, completing each other, continuously circling through the ups and downs, rounding each corner and milestone together.  Ideally, we walk hand in hand, protecting each other along the way.  Once in a while, we may push each other away and then search to find our way back; and sometimes, one may need to lead or wait patiently for the other as they lag behind.  However, it is important to note, that marriage is a partnership, and can only exist if both paths are open and secured tightly in the middle.  The path of a marriage requires continuous effort.  Each day is as important as the last and leads on into the next.  There is no ending or no beginning.  A marriage is designed in our past, thrives in our present and holds a faith for a memorable tomorrow.            

  

Through my thoughts, I envisioned what I wished for in a ring.  I still didn’t want a new ring; I wanted to continue to wear the sentimental rings of my past.  I pictured my promise ring and wedding rings combined with an infinity band of gold connecting the dainty diamond of my promise ring with a diamond in my wedding band.  Around Christmas time, my husband and I went to the jewelry store to see what could be done.  With a little designing and customizing, along with a new diamond to replace the one that had been lost, the jeweler was able to make my vision come true.  I am now blessed with a new symbol of the promise of our marriage – an infinite connection between our original promise, the vows that we took many years ago, and a continued faith that we are on a path to last into infinity; because as I see it, forever just isn’t long enough.   

Election – We Are In This Thing Together

All my life, I have been an optimist – a glass half full, sunshine and roses, balance and harmony kind of girl.  My sights are usually set on the positive, anything can happen, watch for the miracles side of a situation.  I truly believe that people are inherently good and want to do the right thing.

But once in a while, we are faced with situations where it may be hard to see the sunshine through the rain.  I have seen my share of hard times.  There are moments I wish I could take back, things I wish I could have changed and challenges where I managed to come out stronger on the other side.  Somehow, the sun continues to shine and my glass remains half full.  One piece that has helped pull me through each situation is having others to lean on, a sense of family and a confidence in knowing that there will always be someone there to catch me when I fall. 

Some days may seem scary and impossible – like you’re in a no-win situation.  Some may see the recent election and inauguration as an example, while some others may disagree.  But regardless of our opinions, our rights, our race or our wealth, we need to have each others’ backs.  Right or wrong, good or bad, Republican or Democrat, we are all Americans and we are in this thing together.  

Trust is always very important.  Sometimes, despite the way a situation may look on the surface, we need to trust that people have good intentions and are doing what they feel to be right.  We all make mistakes and sometimes our emotions may be our own worst enemy.  We have to trust each other; trust our leaders, our spouses, our children, and ourselves.  Trust in God.

That’s not to say that we don’t need to stand up for what we believe in.  We definitely do!  It is important to do what we can to remain in control of our own futures, our relationships, our communities and our country.  We may march for a cause we believe in, stand up for ourselves and our children, fight for or end a relationship or leave a dead-end job.  Whatever the situation, we all have an obligation to both ourselves and those we love to strive to make our world a better place.  But let’s do it with grace and dignity – let’s not tear each other down in the process.   

Life is short!  There is no promise of tomorrow … so we must do what we can today.  Trust that there is good in others and good in the world.  Take a stand to make a change, and then trust in the process and find peace.  We are here for each other.  Now let go and let God!

New Years Resolutions - Moving Mountains One Pebble at a Time

In the early morning hours of December 31, 2016, with both of my grown children tucked safely in the shelter of our home, my heart is content with the way the year has come to a close.  Nearby, the Christmas tree that we decorated just weeks ago still shimmers amid an array of traditional decorations.  In the peace of the morning, I glance at the brightly lit star adorning the top of the tree.  I have yet to understand how it came to light up one morning last week after it had stubbornly refused to work when my husband plugged it in a few days before.  It has been shining continuously ever since. 

With just a few hours left of 2016, I have been spending my morning reflecting on the past year with gratitude and considering my resolutions for the year ahead.  Have you made your New Year’s resolutions yet?

Through my thoughts, I am reminded of my original intent in starting this blog five years ago.  My intent was to use my love of writing to share my own story, personal goals and bucket list adventures in hopes that others may find some inspiration.  Perhaps I have managed to help someone in the world be a little bit happier or achieve the goals on their bucket list.  (I invite you to revisit the entries and pages of the blog that were written in earlier years).  Each year, it seems I have written less and less and saved my entries for what I felt were more "post worthy" thoughts.  As one of my goals for 2017, I have decided to come full circle and attempt to post more often once again.

With that said, my New Year’s resolutions cannot begin without first taking the time to be grateful for the moments lived in 2016.  I have so much to be thankful for - and so do you!  As I stated years ago, gratitude is essential in choosing to be happy and continuing to find your inner joy.  We all have something to be thankful for - the opportunity to see what today has in store, the memory of days or years gone by, and the hope for a brighter tomorrow.  It may be something as simple as a sunrise, a hot cup of coffee or a good hair day.  Even if 2016 was a challenging year, you can at least be thankful that the struggle is over.  Perhaps you made progress on your resolutions.  If not, maybe you learned something from the lack of progress on your previous ideas.  

I didn't achieve ALL my resolutions, but that is okay.  I did make a great deal of progress on many of my goals, and as a family we had fun on new bucket list adventures.  I also left a few goals untouched and took steps both forward and backward in some areas - but I haven't thrown in the towel!      

 

As I review and create my new list of resolutions and goals for 2017, I realize that many of the them are the same or at least similar to last year.  This is the reason many people give up on their resolutions each year or find the whole process to be too cliché -- but I don't see it that way.  I see it as reinforcement that the same things are still important after all these years and I am still focusing on the things that matter to me.

Just because it is a new year does not mean that you have to start all over with a whole new set of resolutions.  Last year’s resolutions can simply be refreshed, refocused and adjusted for the coming year. Be sure to make the resolutions obtainable.   Perhaps you had a lofty goal last year to lose a great deal of weight but only lost a few pounds.  The goal wasn't a total failure – perhaps you learned what doesn’t work for you and you will just have more work to do this year.  Perhaps you did achieve your goal – congratulations!  Now it is time to refocus.  Always remember that larger goals can be broken down into smaller, obtainable action plans to achieve each week, each month or throughout the whole year.  Be sure to take a moment to evaluate your progress periodically as well.  There is no reason you can’t completely revise a goal partway through the year - but don't give up entirely.   

So as 2017 is about to drop in with a year full of new opportunities, please join me in starting the New Year off right.  Let’s start (or continue) that exercise program.  Drink more water.  Call up an old friend.  Plan a bucket list adventure, weekend away or staycation at home.  Focus on your children, your spouse and yourself.  Read a book, write a book, take a class.  Allow yourself to grieve over last year's tough times and let go of last year's failures.   We don't have to move mountains in 2017, let’s just gather the pebbles one step at a time.  

Are you with me?

Everyone Has a Vice

Everyone has a vice, right?  It’s that unhealthy habit that you know you probably shouldn’t do.  But you enjoy it!  It may also give you comfort, get you through the day, or perhaps ease your stress or another negative emotion. 

I have a vice (or two).  I definitely love my coffee in the morning!  In fact, I may even go so far as to say I NEED my morning coffee.  I usually only have one (large) cup; but, beware, you may not want to talk to me until I've at least started sipping on that cup!  I am well aware that it is not a particularly healthy option – I know I get jittery if I drink too much, and I’m aware that if I drink it too late in the day that I won’t be able to sleep at night.  I’ve learned that exercise and meditation are healthier options to get energized and ready for the day.  However, I can’t help but prefer to start my day with a hot cup of coffee.  (Okay, so I may be a bit addicted to caffeine!) 

As my second vice, I am also a self-proclaimed stress eater.  Not only do I just plain enjoy the taste of food or the social aspect of eating out with a loved one or friend; I also find food to be a source of comfort when I feel out of balance.  As some of you may have noticed, I was obviously extra stressed about a year or two ago as I dealt with the fact that my first born child was graduating from high school and heading off to college.  While dealing with those emotions, I managed to gain a quite a few pounds, leaving me down right unhealthy and definitely overweight.  I am proud to say that I recently lost OVER 50 pounds (and still counting) and I am hoping to never go back to that unhealthy place again!

Some vices may simply be bad habits, while some can turn into actual addictions.  People can even become addicted to everyday things such as shopping, golfing (or any hobby), work or even exercise if done to extreme.  Video games, checking Facebook and binge-watching Netflix can be very addicting as well.  (Let’s turn off that technology!)  Ultimately, any habit can turn into an addiction if it interferes with your health, relationships or responsibilities, or otherwise causes you to lose control of what you know to be right.  Of course, eating a slice (or two) of your favorite pie, watching a whole season of something on Netflix, spending too much on that pair of shoes, or partying too hard on occasion are all perfectly normal … but we probably shouldn’t make a daily habit of these things. 

Of course, there are also the obvious addictions such as drugs, alcohol, smoking (or other tobacco use), gambling, etc.  Unfortunately, I am familiar with these types of addiction as well.  My dad was both an alcoholic and a heavy smoker.  He died from lung cancer at the age of 48.  I loved him … I did … but often I did not.  Alcohol addictions (and other addictions) can be hard on those addicted as well as on those who love them.  As I enter the mid-forties myself, I think about how, with hindsight, my father probably would have wanted to do things differently (for many reasons) and he would definitely have wanted his loved ones (or anyone reading this blog) to know that piece of his story and to heed this advice.

 

Maybe you know someone with an addiction. Maybe it's even you.  Maybe you simply think you have a vice or a habit – and maybe that is true.  But remember, many habits have the potential to become addictions.  It is better to nip a bad habit in the bud now before it is too late, right?

My husband was addicted to chewing tobacco for almost 20 years.  I am extremely thankful that he chose to quit 10 years ago.  It wasn’t easy!  He struggled … a lot.  He wanted to give up; and he was not an easy person to live with for a few months while he went through withdrawal.  But he did it, and I am very grateful! 

You can do it too!  As I aim to continue on my own weight loss and exercise journey,    please join me today in setting goals and making your health a priority.  Let go of your unhealthy habits.  Decide to deal with any negative emotions you may be trying to suppress or relationships you may be running away from.  If needed, have a conversation with a loved one, a friend, or even a doctor or counselor.  Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and it can be the first step to getting back to a healthy and happy you.  No excuses – let go of any denial.  If you don’t want to do this for yourself, then do it for your loved ones.  I am here to tell you that you can do it.  You do deserve to be healthy and happy!  You just have to take responsibility and decide to take the first step.  Although today may not be easy, tomorrow (or next month or next year) may be the best one yet!  I know you can be happy tomorrow if you heed my words of advice, today…