A Trip Down Memory Lane

As I turn onto Town Line Road I am instantly filled with memories and my stomach churns as my tires meet each familiar dip and noll.  The smell of dust seeps into the car and fills my sinuses.  As I reach the farm where I grew up (which my husband now farms), I slow to nearly a stop as I turn into the driveway.  I am greeted by the memory of Todd barking me a greeting from the end of the sidewalk.  Suddenly, I am consumed with visions of my past as if time itself applied it's brakes and entered reverse.  I stop near the garage and envision Rob coming from the haymow with his basketball in hand. I consider walking up the sidewalk, pausing by the big pine tree.  First I sense a vision of a sandbox filled with playful memories and then in a flash I sense my teenage self on the lawn mower eagerly rounding the tree engrossed in my thoughts or a popular 80's song.  Next, I flash to see my whole family and perhaps friends shaded by the pine tree as we talk and laugh and enjoy each others' company.  I can feel the cool grass on my toes and can hear the crickets chirping on a summer evening.  I am drawn to more recent memories of the swing beneath the tree.  I envision my children swinging there when they are small.  I smile as I leave the tree and head toward the house.  I catch myself wanting to peak around the corner to the patio to see if Mom or Dad or one of the boys are sitting there.  I am brought back to reality when no one is there.

In my mind, I climb the front steps and open the squeaky screen door.  I can hear my mother's voice calling from the kitchen "shut the inside door!"  I chuckle to myself as the words seem so real.  I have half a notion to hop up on the freezer to my right to enjoy a phone conversation with a friend.  As I look ahead into the dining room I expect to hear the squeak of the closet door and see my Dad reaching inside.  I can smell supper frying on the stove and I hear the lid of a pan rumbling as the potatoes quicken to a boil.  As I enter the diningroom I can see my Mom through the phone nook above the desk.  She is in the kitchen turning the steaks that are frying in the pan and flipping off the burner to the gas stove.  I throw my coat on the loveseat and enter the kitchen with stories to share with my mom.  My brothers, Adam and Rob are already there fighting me for her attention and I scramble past them for the last twizzler or nutty bar from the top of the microwave nearby.  I hop up to the bar to continue my story.   Mom hands me the plates to set on the supper table and I head to the other side of the counter.  There I find my Dad sitting in his chair at the table with his head resting in his hand.  I try to clear the cloud of smoke that encircles him as I set the table around his ash tray...

I invision my family at the table playing a game of cards.  "500" was a family favorite for many years.  "Kendra it's your turn!"  I hear one of them yell ... "okay ... what's trump?"  :-)

From there my memories peak through the kitchen door back out into the diningroom where the stereo sits quietly ... in my memory a country melody bursts from the stereo as my Dad sings along with "the man in black".  Sweat drips from a loose strand of his hair as he dances around the room with a playful grin.  He strums his fake guitar and croons the words luring us into his world.  Rob and I attempt to sing along as Adam takes over the fake guitar with a smile.  For a brief time, we are giddy with love and drunk on life.  Now the albums lie buried, but the memories will not be forgotten.  The songs are forever etched in my mind and continue to play in my heart! 

Through my tears, my memories envision my mother coming down the hall from the bathroom with a load of clothes to fold.  She pulls up the diningroom table to make room for the clothes and warns my brothers to be careful.  Suddenly I hear a bang on the stairway door as one of the boys hits it in an attempt to block the other from making a basket in the nerf hoop.  As they finish the play, Adam reaches over and grabs me lifting me over his shoulder.  I scream for mercy and plead to be let back down.  As my feet hit the ground, my vision shifts to the boys and I near the stairs reading books we are pulling from the bookcase.  I teach each of them to read from the "Happy Day's" Book and later we quiz each other on the order of the Presidents from the encyclopedia.

My memories draw me into the tiny room that once held the toy box as well as the piano.  My fingers can feel the rough keys on the old piano as I play "one last note" to finish my song.  Next I flash to a vision of my brothers pulling games from the cupboard to bring into the livingroom to play.  I picture us playing Sorry or Clue or more recently Outburst or Taboo.  I follow the memory into the livingroom.  I envision Rob as a little boy as he lies on the floor in front of a basketball game on TV.  He is engrossed in the latest VC Comic he is writing.  I envision my Dad coming from the kitchen chewing on a slab of bologna as he slices an orange.  I envision our whole family cozy in our chairs watching movies on the VCR we rented for the weekend.  I flash again to the cozy feeling of the livingroom floor as I lie in my sleeping bag late at night while Mom and Dad watch the 10:00 news.  I can still hear Craig Johnson's voice... 

Memory after memory continue to flood my mind as I gaze around the house.  I meander back outside and pick an apple off the tree.  My lips pucker as I devour the juicy sourness and I wish I had a salt shaker.  I grab a couple extra for the road and head back to my car.

Back in my car, the years race back to reality and I remember that I actually stopped by to bring supper to my husband who is working in the field.  The kids yell "Mom, he is coming!" as we hear the sound of the tractor coming from the field.  I wipe the tears from my eyes and smile at my kids.  I wonder what parts of their childhoods they will envision when they are grown?

April Showers Bring May Flowers

It has been raining lately. As I look out the window, I notice an eerie calm has settled in the sky and the cool air sends a shiver up my spine. Although it is late afternoon it feels like night has begun to fall. I take a deep breath and consider curling up in the chair with a good book ... but I better keep on keeping on ... perhaps I can curl up with the family in a few hours. Karissa tosses homework questions my way and I receive a text that Christian will be home soon. I begin washing up some potatoes as well as lettuce for salads as I wait for the oven to get hot enough to bake the cod fillets. The water drips from the strainer similar to the way the rain is falling on the window. Talk about April showers ...

It is hard to believe we are half way through April already. It seems like just yesterday it was January 1st and many people were making a variety of New Year's Resolutions. Shortly thereafter I began writing this blog encouraging you all to join me in creating bucket lists (aka New Year's Resolutions). I also encouraged each of you to make action plans you could start on right away. Hopefully at least a few of you jumped on the bandwagon with me! :)  With the year almost a third of the way "accomplished", it is time to look at those lists once again and assess how far we have come. In an attempt to shed the pounds you gained last year, perhaps you made action items such as starting an exercise program, eating healthier or maybe you simply decided to trade in your morning capaccino for a glass of orange juice. Maybe you have had some success ... maybe you even managed to lose a few pounds. Perhaps you went on a bucket list adventure ... or scheduled one for sometime this year

... or maybe you simply managed to save a few dollars toward the adventure you are hoping to be able to afford in an upcoming year. That is all something to be proud of! You may be able to cross some items off your list (or mark them as "done") and you can even add new items for the rest of the year. Some items may show progress but still have a ways to go -- these items can remain on the list. Maybe some items were just too hard and need to be revised to be more realistic ... that is okay too ... don't get discouraged! If you are one of many people who put your New Year's Resolutions aside and never attempted an item on your bucket list ... that is okay too ... it is only April after all ... you have over half the year to try to tackle those items before next year! Keep at it ... remember ... what we do today will create a bright and happy tomorrow ... as they say "April showers bring May flowers!".     

Take Time for You Today

Stop everything ... right now ... yes, right now.....just drop what you are doing (well, okay ... finish reading this blog first) ... but then stop what you are doing and take some time for yourself!  You are worth it!!  Make yourself a priority.  Although many of my blogs have been about taking action and getting started right away on the items on your bucket list ... I've decided we all need a break today!

Those of you who know me, know I am a bit of an introvert.  Some may call me shy (and I suppose I am to some extent) but I am definitely a person who enjoys my alone time.   You see, I have learned from experience, that an important part of keeping a positive attitude and a healthy mind, is taking time to just let yourself be you.  I have also found that when I have been "going" and "doing" for too long and I have been in the throws of stress with all the tasks on my to-do list staring me down, I tend to be rather hard on myself!  There just isn't enough time in a day to accomplish everything that needs to be done!  (But it is important to remember that your inbox will eternally  be full...and that is okay.) I have learned that it is important to take time, often, to just calm your mind (and your body) ... taking time to reflect ... but let it come to you slowly ... first you need to clear your mind.  Remember, it is okay to relax  -- even God took a day to rest!! 

So for today ... set aside all house work, yard work, and office work and even set aside all bucket list tasks (as invigorating as they may seem).  Get a babysitter for your kids if you need one (yes, I said that ... those of you who know me, also know that I am not one to voluntarily leave my children very often.)  Turn off the television, computer, Ipod and phone ... make yourself a cup of Tension Tamer tea and draw yourself a hot bath.  (If you want, light some candles like they do in the movies ... but that sounds like work ... this is supposed to be relaxing.) Now set your mind at ease ... think of nothing but the warm water and the taste of the tea (assuming you like the tea ... a glass of wine would be good too).  Let your body fall back into the water ... relax ... breathe slowly and deeply ... listening to the sound of your breath as it echos in the water.  Just lie there ... relax as long as you like (or longer than you like ... sometimes it may take a while to calmly remind yourself that doing nothing is truly okay.)  Remember ... you deserve it - let yourself lie there soaking in the pride of everything you accomplished yesterday and the day before ...   

Now go for a long walk ... If you are lucky enough to live in the country, go for a walk in the woods or a pasture or field ... otherwise, find a nearby trail or just meander around town if that is the best you can do.  Notice the leaves on the trees ... notice the smell of fresh mowed grass ... follow a butterfly's flight ... smell the roses (or even the dandelions for that matter).  Sit under the tree in your back yard.  Lay on the ground like you did as a kid ... notice the clouds as they move over head.  Say a prayer.   Ponder about the things that are truly important to you.  Tell yourself you are a great person ... you don't need to give yourself evidence ... just let yourself believe it.   

           

It doesn't even matter if the neighbors drive by and see you doing nothing ... they probably won't even notice (okay, they might give a second glance if you are laying under the tree) ... but don't worry about  them ... they don't know the things you accomplished yesterday ... they don't know the secrets that are in your heart ... they don't know the dreams that lie deep in your soul ... they are not you ... their opinions don't matter ... just enjoy YOURSELF today!

Now schedule a massage (the full-body kind) ... do yoga ... eat your favorite food (whatever is your vice).  Now go to your  husband ... pick up your kids... or call up a friend ... sit on the porch or on the deck  ... have a cookout ...  enjoy some time with loved ones ... feeling rejuvenated and in tune with the world. 

Tomorrow you will be surprised at what you can accomplish ... you will feel a sense of a new beginning,  a fresh start, a quiet calm ready to tackle the world.  Don't forget to take time for a walk during the day  or just do nothing  on a lunch break.  Although some may feel there is no time for this,  you will find  that it will give you a similar sense of renew each time you return.  

Now bring on tomorrow ... we are ready for anything!!

Today is a New Day

I am not the same person I was 10 years ago  ... or 5 years ago ... or even last year.  Neither are you!  We are each a product of our own experiences ... our circumstances, our surroundings, our doings, our thoughts, our accomplishments and even our failures.  Everyone makes mistakes ... yes, everyone ... we are human, after all!  Some of the choices we made yesterday may have been wrong, but more than likely, many of our choices may simply have been different than the choices we would have made today.  But remember, we are no longer the same people and today is not the same day!   

We have a choice each morning (as well as each night) regarding our reactions to these mistakes and whether or not to have regrets.  Harboring regrets is similar to holding a grudge or worrying about the future.  It only serves to rob us of our happiness (and often a good night's sleep).  Yesterday is over ... last year is gone ... and ten years ago is but a memory.  We can choose to remember the good things we've done ... time spent with loved ones, bucket list items accomplished, smiles and hugs each expressed.  That is what I choose to remember. 

I also choose to live today in an effort to squelch possible regrets of tomorrow.  We can choose to try our best at everything we do today ... living life to the fullest and learning from each of our mistakes.  That is really all anyone can ask of us ... including ourselves!  If you are a person needing concrete advice, I suggest adding a category to your bucket list to include items that you want to do today to avoid future regrets.  Although we will all still make many mistakes, perhaps we can do things a little better and tomorrow we may have fewer regrets.

Today is a new day and you are a new you ... so pick yourself up and dust yourself off! Make that phone call ... say "I love you" ... smell the roses ... say "I'm sorry" ... do your best ... and most importantly ... forgive yourself ... TODAY!

Reflections on Faith

What does it mean to be a person of faith?  Does it mean belonging to a particular church?  Adhering to rules set up by that church?  Is it reciting the prayers and rituals that go along with attending a mass or service (even when they change the wording of the prayers we’ve said for many years)?  Is faith sitting in the front pew in your Sunday best holding hands with your family during the Lord’s Prayer?  Does it mean giving something up during Lent and eating fish on Fridays?  Is it using religious jargon freely … being able to recite scripture … automatically chanting prayers from memory while holding on to a string of beads?  These things have their roles in religion … giving comfort to some … a familiar way of knowing God.  They can also be used as an outlet when otherwise at a loss for words. 

But I can’t help but wonder … if faith should be more about having a private relationship with God … spending time alone together … perhaps in nature or on the front porch or alone in a quiet church … communicating … listening … being together like a parent and child or a couple of lifelong friends.  Maybe it is simply being thankful for our many blessings … sending up quiet prayers of gratitude and appreciation for one’s family and the beauty of nature … or just having a genuine concern for others and the rightness of life. 

It may have a lot to do with trying to trust God to know what is right for our lives … being patient and accepting even when we can’t understand why He doesn’t hold up His end of the bargains that we designed ourselves ... and simply accepting grace and peace and strength as a gift from God ... allowing us to follow the paths He leads us on even if it isn’t what we had once envisioned…listening for His guidance ... and believing deep in our hearts that there is more to life than what we can see.

I don’t know … perhaps you’ll see my family and I in the front pew in church on Easter Sunday … or you may see us sneaking into a seat in the back row or balcony … or I may just choose to stay home and drink coffee on the porch and go for a long, quiet walk … with a private stop in the church once the crowds have dispersed …