Any ordinary autumn day tends to fill my heart with emotion and has the potential to bring tears to my eyes simply with the colors of the trees, the crisp smelling air, and the tenderness of knowing that summer has ended and winter is on its’ way. I am one who has always seen the miracles in the simple things – an autumn day such as this and any moment spent with family. However, in 2010, my spirit was severely tested as I searched for miracles of the dramatic kind to heal my brother, Adam, who was stricken with cancer at a very young age. In previous years, my prayers had consisted only of countless displays of gratitude, wanting to show my appreciation, but not wanting to waste God’s time on trivial desires. In 2010, my prayers turned desperate, and I continuously begged God for a miracle cure for Adam. If anyone deserved it, I know he did! At times throughout that year, I thought for sure God was answering my prayers; but by October, it became evident that He had other plans as we came to realize that Adam had little time left to live.
Still
my search for the miracles continued.
They were there as always in the simple things – time spent together,
words expressed, positive attitudes, glimpses of hope, peace and grace, and in
all the hugs that we shared. One particular
day, the calendar read "10/10/10". Somehow the date itself seemed a
bit of a miracle. That day we experienced heartfelt family moments on one of the most
gorgeous autumn days I could imagine, as autumn leaves reluctantly let go of the
trees they had been clinging to all season, the warm summer air timidly turned
cooler, and the days grew shorter with each turn of the globe.
It
was a joyful day in some regards. My
whole family was there – both my brothers (Adam and Rob), my mother and step-father,
my husband and children, my future sister-in-law, aging grandparents, and even
my father, in spirit. My baby brother,
Rob, was embarking on the happiest moment of his life as he was marrying his
soul mate. Countless
hours had been spent planning an extravagant wedding celebration near their home
in Arizona for the end of October. We had
expected to have our entire family present in Arizona and Rob continued to dream
of having his older brother beside him as his best man. Plans were made throughout a year that consisted
of one emotional roller coaster after another, with Rob and his fiancé making
several trips home to be at Adam’s side to support him during his illness.
When October drew near, it became evident that Adam
would not be physically able to make the long trip to Arizona despite his
strong desire to do so. My youngest
brother insisted there could never be a replacement for his “best man” and was
persistent in wanting Adam to be with him on his wedding day. So he and his soon-to-be-wife hurried to make the
trip home once again suddenly making plans to say their vows back home so Adam
could attend. My mother worked quickly
to help them plan a private, family ceremony.
The setting for the ceremony was the deck in my brother’s back yard with
a special family priest officiating. My
daughter scattered rose petals, my son shared a reading and we all watched and listened
as the couple exchanged vows and their marriage was blessed. Adam was there by Rob’s side with dignity and
loyalty despite his pain and discomfort, never uttering a negative word. We
were all filled with so many mixed emotions that the flood gates of our hearts were bursting at the
seams and we couldn't bear to open our hearts too
widely. We put up shields in the form of
forced smiles, and our tears were held back with each shortened breath.
Adam’s special friend shared her talents in
song and her words tugged at my heartstrings as she sang of green trees, red
roses too, the colors of rainbows, and skies of blue. While unity rituals were shared between my
brother and his wife, the lyrics rang out amid the melodies. Tiny miracles danced along with each word as
she sang “… and I think to myself, what a wonderful world…”
Typically,
I am one to experience every moment, inhaling the miracles, basking in the
simple things and soaking up the emotion found in every detail. But that
day I couldn't allow myself to dive in for fear I would drown. I could only wade shallowly along the shore
of my emotions, timidly gathering the details like fragile sea shells allowing only
glimpses to touch my heart, careful not to shatter each one. I tucked each detail deep inside my heart with
the hope that someday I could set them free to be seen as the miracles they
were meant to be.
If
I learned anything that day (or that year for that matter) it was the power of
a positive attitude, the value of experiencing each present moment, and the
importance of letting our loved ones know how much we love them. I was proud of both my brothers that day, as
they touched me with their heartfelt words, strength of character and stories
that only a sister could understand. I
felt a deep respect for my mother for all that she had to endure. I was honored that my grandparents were able
to attend and grateful for the comfort that Father Krapfl’s voice always offered. We shared hugs that we hoped would say "I
love you" in a way that could suffice an eternity and embraces that we
prayed would take away the pain, fear and even illness if they could. We did share a few laughs, some real smiles
and even glasses of champagne. We didn’t
take many pictures for a variety of reasons.
We later learned that we didn’t need them anyway, for it was a day that
will be engraved in each of our hearts for all eternity…
Today,
as years have passed and spring has sprung, I head out on a walk as I often love
to do. I still can't help but wonder why
things are the way they are. We may
never understand why God did not give us the miracle we so desired. I guess some things are just meant to be, and
sometimes the miracles we pray for are not the miracles we are supposed to
receive. But as the memories and
emotions of that day make their way to the surface of my heart, I am grateful
for that simple, miraculous October day. As he often does in recent
years, my favorite butterfly eagerly nudges me on my path, luring my attention
to the miracles of the simple things. I notice green trees, the soft sounds of
nature and red roses too. As he flutters off into the blue sky, I smile
a truly joyful smile and think to myself, "Although I will
always miss my brother, I've got joy in my heart once again, and it truly is a
wonderful world!”
